Naked On The Treadmill/
- September 3, 2020
Toni chats about her high school secret, buying a treadmill, her mum’s cancer diagnosis, and the process of dealing with grief.
On today’s show:
- Toni’s high school secret
- The Scattergories dice
- Buying a treadmill
- Toni’s Mum’s cancer diagnosis
- Grieving and support
This podcast is produced by BIG MEDIA COMPANY.
Hello, welcome to one chick, Tony the podcast where you can forget about your own problems for a minute and think about mine instead. We're on episode five. This is episode five of our show. I can't believe we haven't been cancelled black Adele wearing that Jamaican bikini. I'm not gonna make a joke about that. So, hello, my son. How are you? pacing? Sorry. I'm good. How are you?
I'm good. It's um, yeah, I mean, I've had a pretty good day today. It's been a little bit busy. But I'm back. Have a good weekend. So
I didn't ask. Okay. I just said How are you asked about your day? No, I do. Do you know what's really weird though, is that we're like jump on here. We've been talking for literally half an hour. And we've just jumped in here and go like Hello, how are you today? And it's like really awkward. Why do we do that?
It's It's literally record like yeah, I don't know recording straight away off the bat. Maybe go into it.
Do you want to tell me a date? Personal sacred? Okay, um,
tape personal secret?
This is sorry.
What what? Okay, hang on.
I you circumcised? No. Say now that's breaking the ice.
I'm just trying to I'm actually just trying to think of one. It's very hard to think of secrets off the top of your head. Do you have any data? Do you have any tape personal secrets?
Um Oh, I've got one that people told about me. Oh my god, right. So in year 10. I moved to a new school. So I'd gone to the exact same school with all the same people for literally 10 years. And I went to a new school because I was a music nerd, like, I know. So I went to a new school that had like this amazing music programme and I moved To the school, and all of the main popular girls told everybody that I had no sex.
which is obviously on true like that's obviously not true. I was you 10 How old are you when you're 10? Like 14 years old?
That's and and so this is when you first move to the school.
Yep. So the rumour about me was that I had no sex with my boyfriend who still went to my old school, my high school boyfriend Josh, who is so lovely, and he lives in New Zealand now.
He also had contact with him
up. We follow each other on Instagram.
Does he follow the podcast?
I don't think so. I doubt it. I hope not now that I'm talking about him, but yeah, we he actually is so much richer than me as well. I think he's like an engineer or something. He's like something really fancy.
Let's be nice
to see. Like giddy like a little schoolgirl thinking about the hospital. boyfriend anyway, but these girls, these horrible girls who actually one of them now I'm kind of friends with, we follow each other on Instagram. And I feel like that's the modern day ice breaker. Like there's all these people that you went to school with, and that now that you're not trapped in like a class system of schooling and that you start to like each other or that you're like, Oh, yeah, I'll follow you on Instagram. And then like, everything's all good like the beef has been squashed. Do you get the occasional reacts from them as well? Well, one of them said that they are excited to listen to this podcast. So during may have thought I doubt it. She's really cool and pretty. Which I'm obviously not sound like you've got nothing to gain from like being my friend. Isn't that sad? I shouldn't. I probably shouldn't say that. She's really nice girl. She's actually such a lovely girl. But anyway, and they started this rumour. They were like, Oh, you know, Tony Just started here. Yeah, she's had anal sex with her boyfriend. And obviously I cried in the toilets. Like that's a really traumatising thing to for people to talk about when you're like when you're a kid, and the worst thing I couldn't even like tell my mom because what was I gonna do be like, oh, all the girls are saying that I've had anal sex and what she gonna say Oh, is it true? No mom and then she's gonna be like we obviously Yeah. People
it's such an awkward thing as well. Because making friends now.
Yeah, everyone's like, Oh, well, we know you got to lose house Hall. Like that's that's how you make friends. Whenever I make friends, I don't want to think about their household at all until we talk about it. And they tell me that they've got haemorrhoids or they've never had them or
I don't know I've never really talked to a friend about There are so how's your asshole? I mean, no haemorrhoids so I guess that's claim that's good.
Good. I I feel like though now is a really good time. For me to share my side of the story, your hustle and share my truth and say no, I didn't have I know sex.
Well that excited you wireless.
Having haemorrhoids. I don't have haemorrhoids either. And I would tell you if I did, because I know that you don't have a circumcised penis. Because we're really good friends. Now, when we start this show, I've just decided I've just decided okay, so every week instead of how I you what we should do, is we are gonna roll a scattegories dice you know, the game scattegories how it's got a dice with all the letters on the side is just like, Is it like an eight sided die like it's got? Yeah, it's got like 20 sides. Okay, great. Yep, yeah, a lot the alphabet, but I don't think it's got the random letters, I guess. I still that roll of the oz. Put Cost Culebra. I know that there's not 20 letters in the alphabet. I'm saying that there's like 20 sided dice. And actually my son, can you please Google? How many sides of the dice a scattegories DICE has? Because I don't think it has old letters. I don't think it has the random letters. You know how some letters are cool and like some letters aren't cool. How many 2020 Oh, what a good guess. Some letters are cool. Like I would consider like
and n. S is a really, really cool it. I like S. S would spread rumours about you having sex with your high school boyfriend. Like S is like hot and cool, but me and z o Zed, which I don't know what is actually correct, but that is not definite x Why I reckon, and then just cut said, Yeah, fuck it off. I reckon no one knows how to say it. Is it there is it said? Oh, the same way. Ah, because I say Ha ha, like but that's not right.
I hate when people say hey h h Yeah, h i hate h i do that hate h. h.
Um, well, blas I hate Should I change?
Yeah, for sure.
I definitely though I do think that there are letters that are cool and let us that or not, but okay, we should start the show. This is my great idea. I only have like, one great idea. Yeah, we should roll a scattegories dice which I have in my cupboard, but I can't go and get Oh my god. Look how thin my arm looks. My arm looks really thin. I'm gonna sit like this for the rest of it. Um, I've
got a it's your Instagram story. All over. again see how high you can how long you can keep your arm in the air for
Yeah, so that was one pause the great idea that was one lonely I so morning I laid in bed. So I could keep my arm in the air. And it was actually really hot. And I think that it stayed in the air for like 17 seconds which 17 seconds. Eight minutes 17 seconds. That's not impressive. And for everybody that can't say me, my arm is still him yet it is getting very tired.
But back back to the great idea.
Every day, every day, every week, when we record instead of saying Hi, how are you? We are going to roll the dice. Okay, and whatever letter it lands on, we have to tell a sacred that starts with that letter.
Oh, yeah, well, that's gonna be hard but the sad isn't it?
That's why I said we should find does it's not interesting. What do we have put my I just don't think that any fruitful secrets can come from Zed.
So I'm this dice. I didn't get it. So there are 20 sides to it. Yeah, there are 26 letters. Which ones is it leaving out?
The random ones like the uncle letters? I already said that. I don't know. I guess it's leaving out q maybe. I feel bad for Q actually, to be honest, because it does get left out a lot because it needs a U.
Yeah, q u v x. y. Zed is left out on the 20th. I told
you said was random.
I told you cuz
that doesn't fit in anywhere. And I'm sorry, is it not like the day Jay? Oh, he's I don't think I know any of his music. Actually.
He's got a nice house. He did one of those. Welcome to my crib.
Is he the one that has that Lego nightclub?
I don't know, nightclub.
So there's like, I don't know if it's Ed's house, but there's like a wall and it's like, it's a Lego wall. And there's like a knife, a Lego nightclub on the inside and it's him. DJing like a big Lego club. But it's a Lego.
Yeah, I just googled it, then it came up on BuzzFeed.
Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen? It's pretty outrageous plotline as fuck. Imagine if you went back to a boy's house or girls house and they a Lego not club. Like sit up in the house. You'd be like, I'm not gonna have sex with you or regular sex. I'm not gonna let people make up rumours about me having anal sex with you and your 10 that's not you're not cool enough for me to do that. Oh, god, I'm so stressed. so sweaty thinking about the cool and uncool letters.
Like that's really bugged me.
I actually never thought about that. I didn't even know that the scatter scattegories dice was
having never played scattegories
never know. To play scattegories
Oh my god. Okay, we are we've talked about this. Talking about really sorry.
scattegories is like a really good game, and you roll the scattegories 20 sided dice, or die. And then it comes up with a letter and you get a column of things. So it'll be like 12 different things. And it's like a boy's name, type of piece of clothing, a type of sandwich, a place you go on holiday, and say if you roll on the letter T, you have to come up with like a boy's name and an article of clothing and a lack type of food and a place to go on holiday or starting with T Sure. Okay. And it's a really good game. I think it's produced by it. Um, Hasbro. And wouldn't it be cool if Hasbro sent us some scattegories games that we could send to people because it's such a great guy. Because I'm now going to have to provide my own scattegories dos every week. Actually Put that on my to do list might write that down.
Yeah over lunch
so that I remember next week. A very busy woman got lots to do. People are always talking about how having anal sex Anyway, I'm gonna get your uncircumcised penis. I can't let it go. Okay, keep bringing it up. I think do you think I should have a treadmill?
Do you have space for one? I mean, that's that's the first. Not really well, that's all right. Can you put it in? Can you put it like in your lounge in front of the TV where you could do it?
Yeah, maybe I have. I've seen the ones online that don't have the handle. They're just the black mount. Yeah. And I thought about that because then you could just pop it under under your bed when you weren't using it.
What about it? What about a bike?
bulky, isn't it? Where am I gonna put a fucking box for a treadmill? Because I really want to get good at running, but I'm too chubby and unfit to leave the house. And also, because at the moment in Melbourne, you have to wear a mask whenever you're out of the house, unless you're running. So what am I gonna do? I'm gonna start running right? This is me running down the road. And then I'm puffed out 500 metres down the road. I'm pumped out them. I've got no mask. Or even if I bring a mask with me, I'm going to be too hot and sweaty. From behind my mask.
Yeah. I mean, we went for a run on the weekend, and it was
the weekend. We wake up and do plan ease. We do. Yeah, I know. You do. I know. Yes. Tell us what you run on the weekend.
Well, I was just gonna say, yeah, it is it is. You do have that problem with the mosque. It's not it's annoying. You You suck it in every time you breathe after you've gone for a run, but I think I think a treadmill. How can you How can you run on those ones without arms? Because whenever I run on a treadmill,
you have to hang on. Yeah, yeah, that actually does sound like an O h&s issue. Can you please Google them and see if there are many treadmills without arms based injuries that have to be I think you're right. I think you'd sleep right off the back of Gil that I used to work with actually.
I actually shared this video the other day, and it's like security footage. Hi, Claire. If you're listening, she followed. She.
She said this video of her running on the treadmill at the gym. And like her sliding off. Oh, she fell off. Yeah, like she she's all good Blackberry. The caption was, he has two gyms reopening after COVID shared it, but it's like security footage like so what I love about that is that she's gone into the fitness first and being like, Hey, I fell off the treadmill three days ago and it was really fucking funny and I really want to quit stop my Instagram. Would you be able to put that pop that on a USB drive that I've brought from home taken? It's like a lot of preparation involved in that. It's
that's outrageous. There's I can't find any arm. ones that don't have arms. I can't find any injuries. Just a little warmup guide on how to avoid injuries on a treadmill.
Well, that's handy I guess. I guess running though the warm up the warm up involved in a romney's this I'm Yeah, but I really want to get good at running but it's like it's too hard to start when you're not good at it. You know how these things You wish you could start and already be good at them. Namely this podcast I wish that I was better at this already. We've just thought of that and I wish that I was better. But running is one the other one is that I wish that I could pick up like random things you know how people are like oh, we're gonna go and play archery is like a team building exercise with work and there's always and there's always someone that's like really good at it as soon as they pick it out like that pick up the bow. Yeah, yeah, about Ashley but Boehner Oh, yeah. They pick it up and they're just like, I mean going I've never done this before. And then they're like fucking Katniss or whatever that bitches name is.
Is that catenis? Cat? Yeah, Katniss everyday.
Yeah, catnip, Katniss.
Is that is that Game of Thrones? No, that's um, hundred games, or I haven't seen either. I don't understand it. I don't really understand it. So it's Hunger Games. I atomize
I think they're in a massive dome, I think Yeah, so and but they've got they've got to kill each other so they've dropped like care packages in of like supplies and stuff and so you're running around trying to survive and they'll throw like, you know, you've got like creatures that are trying to kill you and stuff. And then you've also got other people trying to kill you and say the last one standing wins. I think
I thought it was more like the try was a tournament from Harry Potter for I haven't
watched Harry Potter.
What the fuck are you? Are you fucking joking? And I haven't read
it. Like I just I've stayed clear. Yeah, I haven't. I haven't watched any of it.
No one can see me but I'm putting my face in my hands. Okay, cool. All right. Um, should Fox Yeah, I should have should have. Oh, they're really good. There's so good I love haribol ah
What about Lord of the Rings? Oh,
fuckin shit. And He's the worst fucking movie every time I watch Lord of the Rings right? So my mom really loved Lord of the Rings so weird and she tried to get me to watch the first movie on like multiple occasions I want to say three times she tried to get me to watch Lord of the Rings every single time I fell asleep at the exact same point and it's when they get to Riverdale
is ah, um, I think it's called Riverdale. With elves. Yes with it with a Elva
is it river doll Raven, dial rivendale riverton it's where Orlando Bloom is and I feel like that every single time. And since then, my boyfriend tobs is also a huge nerd and he's tried to get me to work Lord of the Rings multiple times like he and his housemates when we didn't live together, and I fell asleep the exact same point. It's fuckin shit. It's so boring. Like,
is it Orlando? Is that what it is?
Just as soon as I get there, I'm like, Nah, I'm fucking out. I saw into the future and I was like, you're gonna have a baby with Katy Perry and I'm like, Justin. No, it has nothing to do with Orlando Bloom. It's just fucking boring. There's all those horses that have got blood on them. Like it's so dumb. Oh, you really fired me up about that. And I just don't. The books are like this big and fat. Everybody that is listening. You can't see me. It's a huge bowl.
Yeah, the book. Don't read the book,
you know? Time and time watch the fucking movie. Don't watch your time. I'm doing your favour. I'm all fired up now. And I don't feel like I can go on. I will but I don't feel
we can stop
that what you want to do, man, it's okay. You want to stop? That's okay. My passion project. You want to stop? You know what you can fucking go I can get myself that's all
I got to remind you about the dice
next week. That's not tonight but you've got one job and you're reminding me now I made it seven days time I don't need that now. But oh, this is actually Well, there's two things One of them is funny one of them is that the first thing so this is the second time that we've recorded episode five and Payson is going to explain to you why this is one of the reasons but they're not sad reason.
It's pretty sad.
Sad for you because you almost got fired. I just found a small boy that was also born in 2015. Just like you that sounds the same it's not the same person as it was last week. What happened daycare
was an absolute disaster. We wait so we recorded the whole the whole thing. And then the whole Yeah, a whole hour and then at the end of it, I realised that I didn't have my microphone plugged in properly so instead
of recording fucked up,
yeah, instead of going through the right microphone it went through this awful one and ruin the whole thing.
But some sad stuff. Yeah, now the sad reason I have to cough is that really an unprofessional Should I not cough?
I get rotten close to the mic.
Me clearing my throat Did anyone get off on that? If you're into that? Let me know and I'll start and only fans you can send me money. I'll just call you mentioned that if he's Reggie be signed into someone's I live bands it was just them coughing like blowing their nose. Ah. Oh, that bothered me have to cough again.
Run it now double down on it go right into the mic when you do it.
Oh, my throat said he.
Oh, that was awful.
I think we should do like a volume warning on there. Yeah, well so that was the stupid reason and that's the reason that we're blaming pacing for having to do this again. But the other reason was that I just did a really shitty job. Like, I feel like I came in here yesterday and it was even worse than this like what you're listening to now. And this has gotten past the wicked people like we've decided that this is good enough so you can imagine just how awful yesterday was. And I couldn't figure it out. Like I just I felt So often and like you and I were chatting, and everything was going well but I just didn't feel like I personally had any flow and and I realised that it's actually it's coming up to the anniversary of my mom passing away which is next week. So the ninth of September and I, I just I just didn't even think about it but every year at this time, it comes up to about a week or two before the anniversary of her passing away and it just hits me like a tonne of breaks and I I just didn't even think about it and then all of a sudden I was like fuck it September like that's what's bothering me. And I think that at the moment it's it's come on so much like, thicker and faster because you know, we're still in lockdown. Like what We are in Melbourne, we've been locked down for 25 years, we haven't been allowed to leave the house like all the other states, like even if they, God forbid, got locked back down. They've had all this time out of the house. But when we weren't in lockdown fully like we are now, there was only like three or four weeks when we didn't have to. Didn't have to when we couldn't have people over and when we couldn't do anything. And now we have to wear masks all the time. We only had to go and do food shopping with one person with us. And so that stuff's all really hard. And I know that I've spoken about, like, depression and anxiety and mental illness and like how it affects me and especially at the moment I know it's affecting a lot of people potentially for the first time. You know, like I've a friend of mine that I work with his girlfriend works for beyond blue and they're just like so busy as all these people that are experiencing all these motions for the first time and for people that are normally susceptible to Any mental health I omens I guess. It's, it's, it's just so heightened. And so as soon as I realised like it was come, it was in the back of my mind. And as soon as I realised that, that that's what was coming up, I just was like, Oh my god, I really want to address this because the reason that we're doing this and the reason that I'm doing this is so that like, first of all, like, patient, you and I can get to know each other so that maybe romantically one day something will sprout because of your own circumstance. But also because like, I love to talk about myself, who doesn't, and I think it's just it's one of those things that people talk about. And I thought that I wanted to share my side and how to fix me and what kind of like comes up for me and I've, I've written quite a bit about My mom like I'm fairly open about it. And there's I've written a couple of articles there's one, a friend of mine her blog is called so the fairytales lied. And if you Google, Tony Lodge, so the fairy tale slide, there's a like a long article that I wrote a couple of years ago. And I guess also, there's like a little trigger warning right here. It might be a bit late sorry, but just that I'm obviously gonna talk about like my mom passing away and that might be really hard for you and I will not be offended if you turn off. But yeah, I guess I just I love to talk about it because in, in a situation where it's so like, you live with your mom and dad, right? Like you still live at home. So there's been times when we've chatted and you've gone Oh, I cooked dinner for mom and dad the other night or literally just before you were asking me about my glasses, and you said that your mom works at Specsavers, right. Yeah, that's just like random shit information that like you You wouldn't think much about but you have gotten to say like oh my mom does this or like oh, I was talking to mommy other day or whatever and I'm not holding that against you at all but when
now that she's gone I never find myself in a situation where I get to say like, Oh, I was chatting to mom last night or like, Oh, Mom said this the other day or like Oh, do you like this talk mom got it. And I think that I just really miss actually just being able to like candidly talk about her. And, and I love it when other people talk about their mums. I hope that no one listening to this or you thinks that I don't want to hear about it because I absolutely love it. Like there's nothing I like more than hearing about people's relationships to their mom because it's so special. But yes, I just I love to talk about it and turn off if you want that's fine. Will you You actually getting paid to sit there and listen? You have to do it. But yes, so my mom, she passed away seven years ago next week when recording this. And she's the best she is honestly just the best. She's so fucking funny where I get it from obviously. And she was really really healthy like she worked out a lot. And then she was just really often she wasn't doing to flash and, and all of a sudden, like we were told that she'd had a stroke and I was working at Kohl's at the time while I was at uni. And my sister my oldest sister came and picked me up from uni and took me to the hospital now like our mom actually hasn't had a stroke and we were like amazing. And they told us that she has a brain tumour instead. So they found out that she had CNS limb Find out which is central nervous system lymphoma. And for anybody that knows anything about cancer, so lymphoma is a blood is a blood cancer. And I think it's non Hodgkins lymphoma i think is I'm not actually sure but and CNS the central nervous system so it was in her brain and that's quite rare so lymphoma generally is like your primary is in the blood and your secondary infection is in your brain. Like that comes later but for my mom the the first tumour not only tumour that she had an only infection that she had was in her brain so it's really rare.
And has that show up in sort of like the day to day act like what is what are the sort of symptoms of having that sort of?
Um, well she was it was probably like a month or two beforehand she just got like quite forgetful and like she wasn't very steady on her feet and like so she went to the gym a lot. And she'd be like doing squats and stuff and she kind of just like, topple over. And she'd be like, oh god, I'm a bit unsteady on my feet. But that's kind of all she thought about. Like, it wasn't any. You know, a lot of people kind of asked if she had really bad headaches or anything like that. And it wasn't like that for her at all. And I'm sure that everybody's symptoms are different. But yeah, for her it was, it was that she was just really unsteady. And she was just like, she was really emotional. Like she cried a lot and which she's a super emotional person, and I'm exactly the same. But yeah, she just cried so much like, and, and looking back on it. It's funny. Looking back on that time before we had a diagnosis for her. She actually was really different. But when things happen so slowly, you just don't notice and it's, I guess, it's one of those things where I'm like, Oh, we should have we should have seen that coming, but you just when you're sorry. close to something you just don't. It's like It's like anything. It's like when you put on weight. You don't notice until all of a sudden you catch up with a friend from high school and they're like, Oh my god, like what happened to you like, Oh my god, I'm so fucking disgusting. That's happened to me. Oh my god, I'm so fat and I did not have anal sex, I promise. But again, it just happens so slowly that yeah, it's just it's the craziest thing. And then, so she went through chemotherapy and radiation therapy for 11 months. So just under a year, she was. So she, we went through a round of treatment. So she was diagnosed in October, she went through a round of treatment and went into remission at Christmas time, and she was in remission for two, two or three months. And then they went back for her threes, three months scan and they were like, it's it's And it's really bad. So she went back in for more treatment and, and through that time, she was like the same person. Sure, like she maintained all of her personality and and she was still like fun and she was happy and all of that and then the second round she just she is so sick and and she just wasn't herself anymore and that was really hard. Like, if Yeah, no matter no matter what the situation is whether it's your mom or a friend or like you lose a pet like it's just so hard seeing people not be themselves. And I just like had this amazing person in my life that I was watching. Like deteriorate and I couldn't do anything you know she had but she had the best doctors and she was being looked after and she was going to private hospital and She was never without kale. Like, there was always someone with her and she just, it's it wasn't enough. And it was so hard because I was like, I just want to fucking hang on to you. While being like the flip of the coin is I also just want you to not being pain because it's fucking horrible, like, going through chemo like you're so sick and you're just fighting. It's so miserable and you're lying in a fucking hospital room and you know, and the first couple of days afterwards no one can see because you're
what's the word? You've got? Like no antibodies because your body's just been like, ravaged by fucking chemicals like, horrible. And yeah, it's just it's so it's so hard and, and so this is where like, what I refer to it as PTSD. Around this time is where it comes from is because those last two weeks that she was a Live, it was just like nurses and doctors like trying to make her as comfortable as possible. And all of that and but just like sitting there and you know waiting for it to happen and and it was like I really I want you I wish she was staying here with us but I know that like for you to not be in painting well if this is what you need. And so all of those memories just come flooding back and I am so off flat around now. Because there's old days memories that my brain like doesn't let me access through the year. And then all of a sudden, I can remember what her room smelled like and I can remember like how the sheets on the bed fill and like the how cold it was in the morning when they called us and told us that like she'd passed away and we had to go into the hospital and stuff and and it's just it's the it's the most Interesting thing and I think as well like grief is something that I would definitely like to chat more about. And if people are into it then then that's awesome. If people integrate, then yeah, I was chatting about it described smiley face. Yeah, I'd love to chat about grief and I play subscribe. I'll also cough Um, but yeah, if that's something that like any anybody's interested in, but it's just fucked.
So when so when when your mom's going through the second round of chemo. like where do you Where do you turn to where did you go?
Well, so my I'm the youngest of three kids. So my brother is like 14 years older than me and he was married with two kids. He still is married with two kids. My sister was married and pregnant and my other sister Was she was single but she was living out of home. She's 10 years older than me. So I was the only one living at home. And I was going to uni at the time. And all of us were taking shifts in like who was going to look after mom. So if she if mom was at home, she couldn't be at home by herself. So my sister would she was teaching so she would kind of work during the day and then come home at three and look after mom until I got home at seven o'clock and then she'd look after him was like in shifts. And so because everybody else in my family had like a spouse. It was really hard. I didn't really have anybody to talk to. And I lost a lot of friends as well. Like, there was lots of people that just didn't understand that I couldn't go out and have fun and that the very little money that I was making from working at Kohl's that I needed to use that for fuel and food so that I wasn't burdening mom and dad while they were paying like footing the bill for like all of her treatment. And yeah, there was those lots of people that just didn't really get it. And I think it's a really so I was 19 when this was all going on as well. So I think that all the people around me was so young. And not only was it really hard for me and really confronting for me, but for them as well, like, because they didn't know what to ask. They didn't know what to say. And I was the first in my group of friends, or anybody that I knew that was that was my age that had ever gone through anything like that, like, my mom's funeral was the first one I ever went to. Like, I'd never I've never had anybody close to me pathway before. So I didn't know I didn't know what to do. And I think that there's probably a lot of people not probably there's definitely a lot of people out there that are going through the same thing and the people that are closest to you that are also going through it. They're trying to get away from it when they don't need to deal with it because it's like the only solace that they can get So, my brother and sister, they were married. So at nighttime, like when they went home, they were obviously just trying to get any kind of break from, like, just emotional exhaustion. And I was living at home with dad. So after, after my mom passed away especially like, I essentially was his wife, like, I had to make sure that he got out of bed every day and that he had a shower and that he went to work and, and that he washed his clothes and I fed him because you know, unlike his old school relationship, like my mom always cooked and cleaned and all of that so he a lot of that stuff like he had to learn how to do all those things while she was sick. And so even though there was so many people around us like rallying and, and helping us out with stuff, so really, it's funny that as soon as things happen as soon as possible. You get millions and millions of messages that sound like if you need anything cool if you if you need us to help take you to work or take you to school or cook food or if you want to come and talk or whatever, like all those messages, like they come thick and fast, and then they just drop away. And it's because people don't have to think about it anymore. It's not their problem and not even problem in a negative way, just like it's not at the front of their brain. And so all these people that say that they're going to be there and stuff. They just drop away. And then it will it felt like it was just my dad and I there wasn't anybody else that was really in the same situation because my dad had lost his wife, they've been together for so long, and I'd lost my mom and I didn't have a boyfriend or anything. So I'd lost my best mate and everybody else that was grieving with that had other people to lean on, but we didn't. So it was like it was the two of us and that went on for about A year and a half like and if I was out at uni, my dad would call and be like, hey, like, when are you coming home because he was just fucking lonely like he just, he just so sad. And I think because I jumped into that role so quickly. I a year and a half later, I was going I started going out quite shortly after my mom passed away, I started going out with my boyfriend tubes like still my boyfriend. There's not two people called tubes because that would be a tragedy. That's the real sad story.
And a year and a half later, he asked me to move in with him. And I was like, Fuck, I'm gonna have to tell my dad and talk to my dad and asked my dad if this is okay, like, Am I allowed to go like, what do I What do I do but I you know, I was 20 2021 at the time, so I was like, Fuck, like a girl. This time. He was really supportive. He was like, Yeah, like you're so young, but your whole life ahead of you like you need to go and do that. And so I'm Doubt and as soon as I moved up, I started having these like really terrible chest pains. And I was still going to uni and I was still working at Kohl's and I ended up having about six months off work. Because I just got these chest pains I could not move and like if I sneezed it felt like I was being shot and is absolutely horrible and in the end, like I went and had acjs CAT scans, MRIs. I this is actually fucking horrible, right? I had to run on a treadmill hooked up to an AC j i had to run on a treadmill. nine kids naked. Yes, the treadmill had because I was hooked up all these things. I was naked running on this fucking treadmill and I am not a thin person and I'm not a fit person. And if you can think of nightmare fuel for someone that's not very good looking. Not very thin and not very athletics it is running naked on a treadmill in front of like three fucking doctors. Let me tell you that is not the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm like, oh my god like Bob's dead and I'm running on a treadmill. Again. orrible that's, that's not what
people want. And you know nightmare might fuck me. nightmare fuel for me. Those poor guys. They're still probably thinking about that, you know when you look at the sun and then you close your eyes and like you can see the shape of the sun,
I recommend into their eyes. Yep,
I reckon when I shut their eyes, they see me just like naked running on the treadmill. It was actually another traumatic story from that time. Another different traumatic story apart from my mom passing away. I also had to have an echocardiogram for anybody that doesn't know that is that is an ultrasound of your heart and for those playing at home Where is your heart? It's here right under your breast. So for a woman under the under the, under the boob under this under this area, so I had to go in this might have been worse actually than the treadmill. I had to go in there and I talked to these hot specialist and don't use hot specialist and he's like the most serious person I've ever met. He's a fucking heart specialist. I guess he tells people all day every day that they're going to have a heart attack and died like, you know, this guy's got a pretty good Yeah, he's got a tough gig right? And I go into this room and it was like cool. Okay, so take everything off from your jeans up like your T shirt and your bra and everything. And I don't know I said on everything. What else would I be wearing? take everything off from your jeans up and put on a hospital gown with like the flap open at the front. So you know how long Put them on, so that I have it at the front but it's opening back. So put it on backwards. My walking, I've got it like around me like a dressing gown, and I lay down on the bed and he's like, okay, cool, please open the dressing gown. And again, like, I'm not a very hot peasant my boobs aren't perky and delicious. Like, I haven't been and had a boob job black. So I'm like, trying to move my boob, like, under my body, like in a way that I'm not laying on it, but that he can like move and they have to press really hard. And he was like, Okay, I'm Miss Lodge, I'm going to need you to lay as still as possible. And I'm lying there shooting myself thinking that I'm about to be told that I've got a hot fucking disease and that I'm going to probably die at 22 and I'm like, lying there and he's like, Okay, I'm gonna need you to be still as possible. He's like, like, rubbing jelly on me like a porno. And then he's like, pushing With the ultrasound thing, and and I was like, so nervous and I was like, oh, you'll have to tell me if it's a boy or girl. Like an ultrasound for a baby. That's funny. That's like a funny joke. I was like, haha, and he goes, I'm gonna need you to lay as still as possible. He didn't appreciate it at all. I was incredibly embarrassed. And I asked a very high profile heart doctor. I told him a joke. It fucking went down like a lead balloon didn't go well. Anyway, moral of the story is, there was nothing wrong with my heart, I could have avoided all of that trauma, and it was grief. So because I'd spent a year and a half, like plodding along and pushing through the pain and stuff, I all of a sudden it was manifesting physically in my body to the point where I couldn't do anything. And that's one of the reasons why I think talking about grief is super interesting and super important because I mean, I definitely wouldn't have known but there's so many people that just would not even think about the way that loss and mourning and grief affects you and the way that you actually need to acknowledge all of those feelings and, and talk to people if you if you have them available and whether it's a family member or a therapist or someone that you work with that you trust or whatever, like I went through this crazy ordeal and it actually still affects me now like when I have like a really anxious spell. If someone's really bothering me at work or or Around this time, like it tends to come back as well. I get those same chest pains like they just my body has remembered like the pain that it needs to put me into realise that I know I need to get my feelings out. Does that make sense?
Yeah. So it's where do you where's the starting point of talking to someone? So you mentioned like the, the colleagues and the people that you trust around you. What was what was their starting point for you?
Well, so after I went and saw a lot of specialists about the physical pain because I genuinely thought that there was something wrong that I would need to be operated on or something. And then after that, I went back to my GP who I trusted and he said, Tony, like you're basically in pain because of a broken heart like there's there's no way that there's nothing wrong with you. You're the healthiest person that there is like, there's nothing wrong with your heart You're in really good shape was obviously a couple years ago. You're in really good shape. Like you're looking you're looking great. There's I can't I can't help you. Like you It's great, you need to get it off your chest. And I know that I've spoken about that going to a therapist and all of that. And that wasn't even when I started seeing one I still wasn't ready. I, I just didn't I thought that I could keep pushing through. And it wasn't until I started seeing a therapist about a year ago that I've that I feel like I've started to actually really recover from that. And believe me, keeping really busy at work, and taking on lots of jobs that you can't handle, that doesn't fucking help. It doesn't help at all. And so I guess to answer your question, the best thing that I found was a therapist personally because it's someone that you don't have to lie to. Even even friends that you're really close with that, that love you and you trust and all of that. I feel like, for me, I always feel the iota of judgement, even if it's tiny, and even if it's not judgement in a negative way. If it's Like, just them, then applying what I've told them later on, like, if they say, Oh my God, this guy will not message me back or, oh my god, I shit myself on the weekend. And then they're like, Oh, I shouldn't say that to you because your mom's dead and you're going through a lot of trauma. I don't, I don't want people to do that with me. And I'm definitely less sensitive about that now, because I feel like my mom passing away is like a really big part of who I am. And I wouldn't change it because I learned so much. And even though it is heartbreaking, and it's so sad, and there are times when I would give anything to be able to say her and talk to her like, there's just so much that I learned from it that I get that I wouldn't change and I'm really grateful that I'm allowed Not allowed to, but I want to talk about it. I mean, look at this forum that I have right now, I've muted you like, because I've told you that you can. And I've got, I've got amazing people in my life that I really trust. But for me, if anybody is trying to think of how they should tackle that, for the first time, I think that a therapist or counsellor is probably a better way to go, because then you don't have to bring it home with you, you know, like, you can talk to someone about it. And you know that it's not going to come up again until you want it to rest with friends or family, whatever. Like there is the opportunity for it to kind of come back around and you might not want that. But I guess the, I guess the main part that I that I really want to talk about at the moment is that it does it does come back up for me in the seven years on and they say like Time heals all wounds and I don't know that it really does heal them. It definitely makes it a bit easier. And there were days when I couldn't go a day without crying and you No, that's gone now. And I can remember her and be really happy and think about the things that I love about her. And I think that like I mentioned earlier, it's all just heightened at the moment because going through COVID and everybody's posting on Instagram and stuff like oh, I really miss my family. I wish I could say my mom and God can't wait till these pandemics over and it's kind of like all the pandemics never gonna be off of me in that respect. Like I really miss a and I can't see ever again and it just fucking sucks, you know? Like, it just fucking sucks. There's actually anybody that's going through it, it fucking sucks. And I'm, I feel you I'm like right there with you. But I Yeah, I do. I I think that the the point of this was just to be able to talk about it and and hopefully that people don't hate this and I'm given another opportunity to talk About her in a different way, this is pretty heavy. Was it too much?
I actually think it's like the, like, the conversation needs to be like, it's something that needs to be shared. And I think the, the way that you handle it with the nuance of, you know, it's it is this heavy thing, but also being able to, you know, joke about what he said to the heart doctor, like, I think that's, I think that's a great way of doing it.
I just, I think that that's how I handle things, and everybody's different, but that's how it works for me and I will do anything for a joke. Like there's nothing that I want go through to be able to laugh about. And that's just me. That's just how I deal with things. Because I don't know if you've heard this, but I'm actually comedian.
But yeah, and that's just how I deal with stuff and everybody's different. But I hope that if you're not someone that deals with things in this way, that maybe listening to this and maybe be listening to this. There's so many people that that talk about it. I know. Zoe Marshall, Benji Marshall's wife and she's also like a very strong media personality in her own right. She's not just someone's wife. She's talked really openly about losing her mom when she was she was younger and she's got a baby now and you know, there's lots of people that talk about it. And there's also a really great Instagram page called motherless daughters a you and I'll share I'll share their handle on our on our one trick pony show Instagram, because they've got they've got really great resources for people that are that are going through, especially girls that that have lost their mom and the founder of that Danielle is actually a Melbourne girl as well. And she's, she's a friend of mine. She's great. So there's lots of things that you can do. But um, yeah, I hope that that wasn't too heavy, but I hope that everybody got something out of that, but I don't really know what you would get out of that. But I love Talking about it like I could fucking talk about it till the cows come home. And I really miss her and I really wish that she wasn't gone, but hopefully she is listening. I don't know. Do you have Apple podcasts in the afterlife? Do you think I fucking have shows she better have subscribed. You imagine she's like, oh, three stars like she's like, Oh, you haven't really talked about me yet. So
this is a real shit review.
She's like, could have been better. She's like, Why did she talk about all that sad? She didn't Episode Five I hated that. But anyway, I just yeah, I think it's I think it's a really cool opportunity that I've got here and it's it's normal to feel off at certain times of the year or day or month or whatever. And yeah, like fucking everyone goes through even celebrity suck me bye Anyway, that's I think that's all. That's all I've got written down here. And in fact, you know, we've been talking for like an hour. And I think that people want to go and live their lives, or call their moms Go and call your mom if you're able to or your dad or your sister, or your aunt or your grandma or someone that you love. Because I wish I could call my mom so I can call you mom, or whoever you love. Whether it's on the phone or not, talk to whoever you feel like you want to talk to. This is my gift to you is an outlet to go and talk to someone. Whether it is there with us or not. We should cut this out of random. But you know who else you can talk to me on instagram Did you like that? You can follow us on Instagram at one chick Tony show or my personal Instagram is at tiny Lodge and you can send us mail at PO Box 400 Abbotsford don't know the postcode you can go
lafree or 67367.
And we don't have a phone number, make sure we get a phone number. We can get a phone number,
because I use my drive to pick it up.
Are you picking it? You can pay for the SIM card. The podcast, collaborators have recently gotten a phone number and they're very excited about it. So maybe we should ask if we could have a one 800 Tony or something. Um, thank you so much for listening. This has been Episode Five. I'm not going to cough into your ears anymore, so you don't have to worry. But I will see you next week. Oh god, that was shocking. What do you need fucking a creature from the company
Oh my god. I'm so sorry everyone. Love you.